30. NATANANANDA
SWAMI
DESIROUS of self-knowledge and out of a convictionthat a householder's life was a hindrance to it several
people leave their homes seeking a guru's grace . Yet destiny
being insurmountable and possibly because going through
the householder's stage was necessary in their cases, either
because of their past karma [?] or their being not fully ready,
they have to continue playing the householder's part. This
observation is very much in evidence in the case of Natesa
Mudaliar.
Natesa Mudaliar was a teacher in an elementary school.
A little after he setup his home, he chanced upon the book,
`Jnanatirattu', a Tamil version of Swami Vivekananda's
`Jnanayoga'. That book fired Mudaliar with vairagya [?] at a
time when he had just commenced his conjugal life. He
then thought that `self knowledge' was impossible without
a guru and began an earnest search for one.
Someone told him about the Maharshi but also
cautioned him that the Maharshi would not give any
upadesa to anyone and therefore his becoming a guru was
impossible. Yet Mudaliar visited Skandasramam in 1918
and sat in the Maharshi's presence for several hours but
could not muster enough courage to broach the subject
nor did the Maharshi speak to him. Mudali was convinced
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that it would be impossible to become a disciple of the
Maharshi and so returned home disappointed. But he did
not leave his search. He thought of several other well
known sadhus but in no case did he feel attracted.
He despaired of attaining mukti [?]. Keeping in view
that one who died at Kasi would attain mukti, he set out
on a journey to that holy place accompanied by a friend.
At Sri Perumbudur another devotee, a bachelor, became
his acquaintance. The devotee admonished Mudali for
deserting his young wife who had left her parental home
to live with him. Thus he persuaded Mudaliar to return
home.
Two more attempts of Mudaliar to go to Kasi did
not succeed for some other reasons. In 1920, Mudaliar
wrote a letter to the Maharshi saying " I had the privilege
of having your darshan sometime back, but you have not
showered your grace on this unfortunate one. Ramakrishna
Paramahamsa invited one and all to share the sweetness
of the bliss enjoyed by him. You have attained mukti [?], Sir,
but is it fair to leave the likes of me who are caught in the
wild fire of samsara to our fate? I beg of you to let me
know through a letter if I can come to your presence. I
shall be there at once."
A month passed by but there was no reply. Then
Mudaliar sent another letter by registered post in which
he said: "I am convinced that you are my refuge if not in
this birth in a subsequent one. I am determined to have
you as my guru if not now, subsequently. You will have to
be born again for my sake."
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A few days later the Maharshi appeared in Mudaliar's
dream, in which he said to him: "What is the use of your
meditating on me? Meditate on Easwara who is mounted
on the bull, Nandi. Once you get his grace my help will
follow." Then onwards, Mudaliar commenced the
prescribed meditation. Meanwhile he got a letter from an
inmate of Bhagavan's ashram, Vasudeva Sastry, saying "
Both of your letters have reached us. Bhagavan never gives
a reply to letters. You may come and have his darshan".
After he enquired about Sastry and his relationship with
the Maharshi, Mudaliar went to Arunachala, He first had
the darshan of Arunachaleshwara and spent that night in
the temple precincts.
A Brahmin saw Mudaliar and after finding out the
purpose of his visit said "It is fine that you have come, but
let me tell you my experience. For over sixteen years I
have been yearning for the Maharshi's grace but with no
luck. I am doubtful if your experience will be any better.
He is completely indifferent and never says anything. He
is not at all moved by visitors. Your going there is a sheer
waste". Mudaliar did not like this, but the Brahmin
persisted saying, "But there is a Mahatma by name Seshadri
Swami close by. He also does not allow anyone to come
near him and flings stones at them. Yet you may go and
try your luck with him. If he responds kindly, you have a
chance". Mudaliar agreed to this course of action.
But to locate Seshadri Swami was not at all easy.
Mudaliar and his companion J.V. Subrahmanyan Iyer, a
teacher, began the search. As midday had approached
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Mudaliar felt the heat of the outside sun as well as the heat
of his interior, which was one of doubt. Iyer asked Mudaliar
to wait at a particular place and went by himself to look
for Seshadri. After sometime he came back to Mudaliar,
accompanied by Seshadri Swami, on seeing whom
Mudaliar felt it was a good augury.
All on a sudden Seshadri asked Mudaliar "What is
that you can give me?" Mudaliar at once placed in his
palms the jack fruit pieces he had. After eating them,
Seshadri began walking away towards the market place.
Mudaliar and Iyer followed him. "Won't you buy me some
mangoes" asked Seshadri. At this, Mudaliar's enthusiasm
doubled at the thought that the Mahatma was thus giving
him an opportunity to serve him. Seshadri ate some mango
pieces, and distributed the rest to the people surrounding
him and later asked for water. Iyer went out to fetch water.
Seshadri turned towards Mudaliar and said "What a
pity! Why suffer like this? After all, what is jnana [?]? Whatever
remains with you after you mentally reject everything as
being impermanent is jnana [?]. God is that. It is madness to
visit all sorts of hills and caves in the hope of acquiring
jnana [?]. Have no fear and go". Seshadri turned to go away
by which time Iyer brought water. That was on 2nd May
1920.
Taking this to be a harbinger of good things to come
Mudaliar and Iyer left for the hill that very afternoon in the
hot sun. They sat in the presence of the Maharshi for well
over five hours, but he did not utter a single word. Dinner
time was nearing and Bhagavan was getting ready to leave.
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At that time Iyer pointed out to Mudaliar and said to the
Maharshi. "This is the person who wrote two letters". The
Maharshi looked at Mudaliar a couple of times but said
nothing and left the place. Mudaliar went back.
Thereafter Mudaliar kept visiting the ashram every
month. Though he watched several visitors plying the
Maharshi with questions he could not bring himself to
ask even a single question.
A year passed this way. During one of these visits,
Mudaliar asked Bhagavan "People speak variously about
Bhagavan's grace. I would like to experience what it is
really like." Bhagavan replied "I have always been giving
you grace if you do not understand it what can I do?"
Mudaliar interpreted this as an indication that Bhagavan's
being in silent Samadhi was in itself his grace towards
people and that for seekers the ideal was to attain a state
of mouna [?]. But that state of mouna [?] was not clear to him
yet. Some instructed that the mind should concentrate
on one matter but as this was contrary to what
Tayumanuvar said, namely, that "there should be no ideal
in dhyana [?], the mind itself should vanish" those instructions
did not appeal to Mudaliar.
A few days later Mudaliar had another dream in which
the Maharshi gave him this upadesa: "Just as both the eyes
look at the same object, keep your attention fixed on one
thing only. Do not let your attention shift to any other
external or internal matter". Mudaliar assumed that the
Maharshi was talking about the physical eyes and said to
him: "This does not appear to be the correct path. If you
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also say so, then to whom should I turn for guidance?"
The Maharshi replied, "What I told you is correct, I
promise. Your doubt is not misplaced but try this method
for a few days, you will experience the atma". So Mudaliar
followed the instructions for sometime. Here is what
Mudaliar said about his further experience:
I had a dream where both my father and the Maharshi
figured. Pointing out my father the Maharshi asked
me who he was. I replied hesitatingly "My father"
though I was conscious that I was not speaking of
the true nature of the relationship. Maharshi smiled
approvingly and said "That is true only from a
worldly stand point but not from the absolute stand
point, isn't it? Didn't I say that I was not the body?"
Saying this, the Maharshi drew me close to him and
placed his hand on my head and later he pressed on
the right side of my heart with a finger. It pained a
little but I bore it as his grace.
Though not immediately, Mudaliar realised later that
the Maharshi wanted him to discard the body-
consciousness and that his touch on his head and heart
were hasta diksha (initiation through touch by hand.)
On one occasion, while he sat in the presence of the
Maharshi several learned scholars were conversing with
him. They were discussing some matters in Tamil, a
language he was familiar with but what they were
discussing was incomprehensible to Mudaliar. He
therefore felt sorry within and thought "I don't think I
will ever get to be so knowledgeable, I hope I will do so at
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least in my next birth". The Maharshi observed him and
after the visitors left said to him: "Why are you so sorry?
What you wish to obtain is with you already. Will anyone
ask for something already available? Even if you feel that
it was not clear to you now, won't it be so a little later?
Why be depressed about such a minor matter? If really
you do not deserve to learn it, how come you have this
desire to have the darshan of Mahatmas?" With this
Mudaliar felt a little relieved.
Mudaliar was convinced that his life as a householder
was a hindrance for his spiritual advancement and so in
1926 sought Bhagavan's permission to take to sannyasa [?]
(Renunciation). The Maharshi dissuaded him saying that
any number of impediments could arise even in a forest
and that just as he would not think of family responsibilities
in an ashram he should live without any thought of them
in the house also. The Maharshi similarly dissuaded him
on two more occasions.
It was not that the Maharshi was unaware of
Mudaliar's ardent wish, so he appeared to Mudaliar's wife
and brother in dreams and told them that Mudaliar had
his grace and that the family members must help him
achieve his objective. They also fell in line. As a first
step, Mudaliar gave up his job, he stayed at Arunachala
and in 1929 took to sannyasa [?] with the name
Natanananda Swami. A few years later, owing to certain
developments, he had to resume the householder's role.
Right from his first darshan of the Maharshi,
Natanananda began composing songs on him. Some of
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them are Ramana Stotra Manjari, Ramana Stotra Shodasam,
Ramana naan manimalai and Ramana Sataka. In all these
hymns Natanananda described his questions to the
Maharshi and the latter's replies. He used also to compose
Bhagavan's answers to questions of other disciples and
show them to Bhagvan concurrently. This compilation
was published as Upadesa Manjari.