20. SIVAPRAKASAM PILLAI
"Rama! This enquiry into the Self or `Who am I??' is thefire which burns up the seeds of the evil tree which is the
mind."
—Yoga Vasishta
SIVAPRAKASAM Pillai was a student of Philosophy at
college. Even as a student the question of "Who am I?"
arose in him. Before he could find an answer to the question
by himself, he qualified as a graduate and got appointed in
the Revenue Department of Arcot district. When he visited
Arunachala in 1902 on inspection work, he heard people
extol the silent Brahmana Swami on the hill as a pure,
realised soul and as one who was also an embodiment of
detachment. He visited the Swami expecting that he would
be able to solve the question which arose in him while he
was a student.
Replies to thirteen of Pillai's questions were given by
the Swami through gestures and writings either on sand or
slate. Pillai copied them and published them after a lapse of
over two decades, in 1923, under the title Who Am I ?
While the Swami's earlier works, Spiritual Instructions (Vichara Sangraha
) and Vivekachoodamani contained the teaching
of others also, Who Am I ? was entirely Swami's. Hence it
may rightly be described as the first of the Swami's teachings
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imparting the Jnana marga. The Swami had disclosed his
Self experience in the form of a theory even so early.
Pillai sought the Swami's guidance for his personal
benefit but there was no reaction from the latter. But the
spark of vairagya [?] got ignited in him. Possibly as a
consequence, he resigned his job in 1910.
In 1913, Pillai's wife passed away, which resulted in
his having to choose between re-marrying or remaining
single. The former meant that he would have to spend
substantial money to obtain a bride according to the
custom of his community and money was hard to come
by. After much thought, he wrote down the following
questions on a paper:
1. What have I to do to escape the sorrows of the
world?
2. Will I be able to marry a girl of my choice?
3. If not, why not?
4. If the marriage were to take place how would I
be able to raise the necessary money?
He visited the temple of Ganesa one night and placed
this piece of paper near the image and prayed "Oh! Lord,
you are my only refuge. Before the night is out please
answer my questions either orally or in writing. I shall
not flout your command. If you do not respond, my only
refuge will be the Brahmana Swami". Pillai's faith in the
Lord was so intense that he spent the whole night at the
temple awaiting answers to his questions. There was no
reply. It looked as if Vinayaka had made it a point to
direct his devotees to Arunachala. Pillai left the stone image
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which did not hear or see in spite of having ears and eyes
and approached the living Sadguru, Ramana.
At Virupaksha cave the Swami had only one
occupation, and only one teaching. It was about the atma,
experience and enquiry. To such a one what could Pillai
submit? In fact, the very life of the Swami was a reply to his
questions. He was a bachelor with no thought of marriage,
he was poor yet was always happy, if at all he had any desire
it was obvious in his teaching. Pillai thought that the Swami
taught him to give up desire and follow his example. Pillai
gave up all thought of marriage and planned to go home,
but before returning he visited the Swami on May 4, 1913
to seek his blessings. There were a number of visitors
surrounding the Swami. Pillai sat close to him and was
intensely looking at him. In a little while he saw a brilliant
light around the Swami, also a boy with a golden body
emerged from his head and gradually re-entered him. The
scene repeated itself twice at which Pillai was stunned. He
could bear it no longer. It became obvious to him that the
Swami was capable of bestowing his blessings on devotees.
Overcome by emotion, Pillai shed tears of joy and sobbed.
He could not utter a single word to express his feelings.
The other visitors who did not experience the vision
wondered at Pillai's sobbing. After sometime, Pillai became
normal and narrated his experience to others. They dismissed
the whole thing as a result of his consuming drugs, but
Pillai was in a such a state that he did not care to retort.
The following day, Pillai visited the Swami and sat
in front of him. This time he saw cool moonlight
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enveloping the Swami with the Swami himself being at
the centre of it in the form of the rising sun fully smeared
with vibhuti (something which the Swami never did) and
drops of nectar coming out of the eyes. Those sitting
beside him saw nothing. It did not occur to Pillai to ask
the Swami its meaning nor did the Swami bother to explain
the vision. Two days later Pillai visited the Swami again.
This time the Swami's body appeared as a clear and
transparent crystal. Pillai was floating in a space of bliss,
and lest he lose that state, he did not move either.
Were these miraculous events possible? If so, why
were they not visible to the others? Those who saw Pillai
could not fail to have noticed that he was not the type of
a person who could utter a lie in a matter like that. It was
within the experience of those who stayed near Bhagavan
that a transformation took place in their mind and that
their latent tendencies would change. Of course, Bhagavan's
grace also was explicit.
Pillai concluded that the visions were a manifestation
of the Swami's grace towards him, and he gave up all
thought of marriage or worldly desire, and decided to stay
back and perform tapas [?] as a celibate.
Pillai was a good poet. He wrote a poem entitled
Anugraha Ahaval in Tamil narrating the Swami's grace
towards him
Pillai who lived at his native village near Chengam as
a tapasvin left his body on 13 January 1947.