8. THE COMMAND
BY nature, Venkataraman kept very much to himselfand spoke little. Some marked changes occurred in
him but neither his family members nor friends could
guess what was going on in his mind. He no longer
participated in games, nor sought the company of his
friends. His visits to the Meenakshi temple were more
frequent and he spent most of his time sitting quietly,
with his eyes closed in meditation. His former sensitivity
and quick reactions got blunted. He, who was formerly
intolerant of any offensive remark became indifferent to
any jibe. One who protested about any injustice no longer
cared about any injustice heaped on him. His former
sensitivity gave place to resignation. He no longer had
any preferences in the matter of food. He became humble.
He continued to attend to household chores but as a
matter of routine. He took up his books but his mind was
elsewhere. His interest in studies, never great, further
slackened.
Such conduct naturally resulted in mild rebukes at
first and ended up as punishments. His uncle and brother
lamented, "What if he is intelligent, he has always shown
very little interest in studies and to make matters worse,
he now has these spiritual thoughts which are useless."
Venkataraman's brother often made sarcastic remarks to
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him and would say, "You sage, why do you have to bother
about studies, you may as well go to the forests." Whatever
be the goodwill and love of the relatives and however
much they might wish for his worldly well-being, how
could they approve of renunciation?
Beyond the home, in the external world also,
Venkataraman faced opposition. His friends avoided him
and sometimes ridiculed him. Venkataraman never
retaliated, never responded. Some friends, however, had
great regard for him and some feared him. The teachers
reprimanded him and punished him.
To add to all these there was that burning sensation
in different parts of his body. It left him restless and cooled
down only when he sat in meditation. Facing hostility
both at home and outside, Venkataraman developed
aversion towards the world. His only love was for the
Lord's feet. He thought that it would be nice if he were to
die, but he had no such `luck.' "When will the Lord show
His mercy towards me," he often lamented.
It was Saturday, 29 August 1896 around eleven in the
morning. As he did not study his grammar lesson, his teacher
punished him asking him to copy a lesson from Bain's
grammar text three times. Venkataraman sat in the room
upstairs and began carrying out the imposition; with great
effort he copied the lesson twice. "Am I a machine to carry
out a task without any interest in it?," he asked himself.
The very next moment the writing stopped. He put
aside the grammar text, took up a meditative posture and
began to meditate.
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Nagaswami, his brother, was closely observing all that.
He could not tolerate it and without any premeditation
he uttered these harsh, but true, words, "For one who
behaves thus, what is the need for all this?"
Such taunts from his brother were not new to
Venkataraman but this time they pierced his heart like a
speeding arrow. "Yes it is true. I have no interest in studies,
my interest lies elsewhere. When I cannot carry out any
household responsibilities, why do I need a home at all?
What business have I staying here?", thought Venkataraman
and decided immediately to leave home for good.
But, what next, where to go or what was the support?
In a flash, "Arunachala" danced before his mental
eye. About a year ago the Lord's Name throbbed in his
heart but disappeared later. It appeared again that day.
Once again the same thrill, the same devotion, the same
emotional upsurge flooded him. He realized that the Father
of the Universe would be his Father, his support and refuge.
Was it another flash in the heart that made him hear
these words? Or was his Father beckoning him to come? If
the Father were to stretch his arms could the son fail to rush
into them? Run he must, to Arunachaleswara's Presence.
Much later Bhagavan himself said that he had left his
home to seek refuge in Arunachaleswara and that some
powerful, irresistible force brought him over.
"I have discovered a new thing! This hill, the
lodestone of lives, arrests the movements of anyone
who so much as thinks of it, draws him face to face
with it, and fixes him motionless like itself, to feed
upon his soul thus ripened. What (a wonder) is this!
Oh Souls! Be aware of it and live! Such a destroyer is
this magnificent Arunachala, which shines within
the Heart!"
Verse 10, Arunachala Padikam
(Eleven Verses to Sri Arunachala)