7. AGONY

HAVING tasted the bliss of the Self, Venkataraman
ever abided in the Self and could bear nothing else,
nor was anything else possible. Even if the body
participated in some activity, thoughts were centred round
the Self, he lost body-consciousness too. All this happened
naturally and effortlessly.

      Abidance in the Self and devotion were the two strands
which governed Venkataraman's life. For one who abided
in the Self what was the need for devotion to God? This is
what Bhagavan had to say on this subject much later, "I
was not aware that experience of the Self was categorized
and described variously. I was not familiar with philosophic
terms like "Brahman" nor what an attributeless Truth meant.
I was not aware that the individual Self and Easwara were
one. I had an awareness of Easwara but not that it was the
atma itself. One cannot say whether the thought process
(mind) became extinct or was in abeyance. The Self was
being experienced without any effort. In a sense it was
abidance in the Self. It was the experience of the unbroken
atma in the words of Sankara. In Jnana Vasishta it is described
as "sattva pathi."

"Did not Sankara and other self-realised persons
worship God with attributes?" One moment it was
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submergence in the atma at the next it was in God.
Sri Ramakrishna Paramahamsa also confirmed the last
stages of saints and sages to be similar.

"Other than Periapuranam I had not studied any other
spiritual text by then. I had only heard of the Infinite
Being with attributes as described therein. I had not heard
of any attributeless Truth. Even while being conscious of
the external world I was in the presence of Easwara — with
no agony, or emotion," said the Swami.

      Yogic ways are of two types — the internal and the
external. The jnana-marga (path of wisdom) transcends
the five sheaths of the body. Raja Yoga is control of mind,
whereas Hatha yoga is control of breath. Among the external
yogas, the karma ^[?] and bhakti ^[?] margas are the most important.
They are easily available even to worldly-minded, ordinary
people. Among them, the Sankhyas discriminate against
the body and attain the attributeless Parabrahman. Or some
become devotees, fix their heart on Easwara with attributes,
serve him and consider that other than Easwara there is
nothing else. For those like Suka who choose the atma as
the goal as well as for those devotees who choose Easwara
as the goal — the result is the same -- it is the unification of
the individual Self and Brahman.

      Venkataraman who would earlier visit the temple of
Meenakshi only on holy days now became a frequent visitor.
On seeing the sport of Sundarareswarar painted in the
thousand pillared hall Venkataraman "recollected the
emotional upsurge experienced about one year ago on
hearing the name of Arunachala." He also was to further
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recall the life stories of the devotees which could not influence
his life then. "I must also be full of bhakti ^[?] like the Nayanmars,
I thought, Easwara, my father at Arunachala, would grant
me refuge at his feet. I would frequently visit the temple
and in the presence of the images of the Deities and
Nayanmars would be beside myself with emotion and would
be tear-filled. I did not know what that agony or emotion
was due to. All that I would pray for was that the Lord
should make me His devotee, or a member of his retinue or
one with unswerving devotion. I knew not whether it was
joy or sorrow. Either I was in meditation or in that state of
agony. My whole body was flooded with this emotion and
had a burning sensation. On beholding the images a storm
would rise in the mind. Possibly, because the thoughts lost
their anchor of the body some other foothold was needed.
That was the reason for visiting the temple so frequently.
Sometimes, I prayed for mercy, at some other times even
that was absent. Tears would stream down, sometimes I
would be stupefied".

      The only thing that showed itself outwardly in
Venkataraman was the streaming of tears, he did not show
any other visual characteristics of overwhelming bhakti ^[?]
such as dancing in ecstasy or a choked voice or fainting.

      What was the cause for this turmoil? Was it due to
some memory of an earlier janma? If so, what kind of
experience did that earlier janma have?