Letters from Sri Ramanasramam, by Suri Nagamma

Recently when you sent figs and other fruit, I gave them to
Bhagavan’s attendants secretly as I was afraid of what
Bhagavan would say if I gave them in the presence of all the
people. They waited for a suitable opportunity and gave them
to Bhagavan. He did not say anything at the time, but you
know what happened four or five days later? I went to the
Ashram in the afternoon at 2-30. There was no one else with
Bhagavan except the attendants. Squirrels were scrambling
about the sofa and indirectly demanding their food. Bhagavan
was emptying the tin and was saying “Sorry, nothing in it,”
and turning towards me, he said, “The cashew nuts are
finished. They do not like groundnuts. What am I to do?” I
looked at the attendants enquiringly. They said that there were
no cashew nuts even in the storeroom. The squirrels did not
stop their fuss. I had to do something. At the same time I was
afraid what Bhagavan would say if I got some from the bazar.

In the evening when someone was going to town, I gave
him money to bring ten palams (1.5 kilograms) of cashew nuts.

The person who brought them did not give them to me
immediately but gave them the next morning at 9 o’clock. Afraid
of what Bhagavan would say if I gave them in his presence, I
gave the packet to the attendant, Krishnaswamy, after Bhagavan
had gone out at 9-25 a.m. I do not know what happened in the
noon. I went to the Ashram at 2-30 p.m. and stayed on till 4.

This topic never came up. I felt greatly relieved, went home,
came back in the evening at 6 and sat in the hall at a distance.

Veda Parayana was over. Krishnaswamy was pouring into a tin
the cashewnuts I gave him. Bhagavan saw and asked him who
gave them. He said, “Nagamma.” “When?” asked Bhagavan.

“At 9-45 a.m. when Bhagavan went out,” said the attendant.

“Is that so? Why not give it in my presence? Why this
secrecy? Because I suppose she was afraid Bhagavan would
be angry. These pranks have not been given up yet. Perhaps
it is at her instance that Subbulakshmi brought cashewnuts
a short while ago and gave them secretly to Satyananda
through the window and slipped out. In addition, she gave
an excuse to the effect that Athai (Bhagavan’s sister) had asked
them to be given. She put it on to Athai as she thought I
would not say anything in that event. These are the silly acts
of people here. Why do they indulge in these things instead
of confining themselves to the purpose for which they have
come here? They try to hoodwink Swami. They do not know
that they themselves are getting hoodwinked. This weakness
has not left them in spite of years of stay here. Have they
come here for this purpose?” said Bhagavan in a thundering
voice.

As I sat there, I became still as a statue. I never told
Subbulakshmamma nor did I know of her giving the
cashewnuts. But I could not venture to open my mouth to
mention the facts. I was however reminded of the purpose
for which I had come. I thought that the lion’s dream known
as Guru Kataksha was like this. The clock struck the half-
hour. Startled by it, I looked at it and found it was 6-30 p.m.

As that is the hour at which ladies have to leave the Ashram,
all of them were slowly going away. I got up somehow and
bowed before Bhagavan. He was looking at me with piercing
eyes indicating anger coupled with sympathy. I could not
look at that majestic personality, and so without raising my
head, I came home and went to sleep. Next morning it was
broad daylight by the time I woke up. I realised that the
reason for the rebuke, which was like a precept, was not
merely the cashewnuts but my forgetfulness of the purpose
for which I had come to the Ashram, namely the acquiring
of jnana. There must be many instances of such forgetfulness
and so I prayed to Bhagavan in my mind to forgive me.

I got up, finished my morning routine quickly and
went to the Ashram. No sooner did I step into the hall
than Bhagavan, with a face radiant with smiles, brought
up my case for enquiry. It became clear that I never told
Subbulakshmamma, and that Alamelu Athai herself sent those
nuts through Subbulakshmamma for the squirrels as they were
left over after the Shashtiabdhapurthi (completion of 60th year)
celebrations of her husband. “Is that so! The story has now
taken a different turn. Even so, why the secrecy? Anyway, it is
all over now.” So saying Bhagavan changed the topic and tried
to cover up the whole incident by consoling words. But I have
not been able to forget it even now:
Aazya bXyte laekae kmR[a b÷ icAayu]I[< n janait tSmat! ja¢t ja¢t.

Men are bound down by desire, activity and much worry;
they do not realize the shortening of life-span. Hence
awake! awake!
These words of the ancients are worth remembering.

So far as I am concerned, the words that Bhagavan spoke,
the looks that he cast with a feeling that this child, without
realising how fast time flies, was wasting her time on
trivialities, were imprinted on my heart. Brother, how can I
write the full implications of that incident! After all, Bhagavan
is a Jnanadatha (Giver of Jnana)!