A LIFETIME WITH BHAGAVAN

By T. K. Sundaresa Iyer

IN 1908, when I was 12 years old, Bhagavan was living in
Virupaksha cave. My cousin, Krishnamurty, used to go to
Bhagavan every day and sing songs of devotion and worship
before him. One day I asked him where he went everyday. He
told me, "The Lord of the hill himself is sitting there in human
form. Why don't you come with me"? I too climbed the hill
and found Bhagavan sitting on a stone slab, with about ten
devotees around him. Each would sing a song. Bhagavan
turned to me and asked, "Well, won't you sing a song for
me"? One of Sundaramurti Nayanar's songs came to my
mind and I sang it. Its meaning was:

No other support I have except thy holy feet. By holding
on to them, I shall win your grace. Great men sing your
praise, Oh, Lord. Grant that my tongue may repeat thy name
even when my mind strays.

"Yes, that is what must be done", said Bhagavan, and I took
it to be his teaching for me. From then on I went to him regularly
for several years without missing a day.

One day I wondered why I was visiting him at all. What was
the use? There seemed to be no inner advancement. Going up
the hill was meaningless toil. I decided to end my visits on the
hill. For a hundred days exactly I did not see Bhagavan. On the
hundred and first day I could suffer no longer and ran to
Skandashram, above Virupaksha cave. Bhagavan saw me
climbing, got up and came forward to meet me. When I fell at
his feet, I could not restrain myself and burst out in tears. I clung
to his feet and would not get up. Bhagavan pulled me up and
asked, "It is over three months since I saw you. Where were
you"? I told him how I thought that seeing him was of no use.
"All right", he said, "maybe it is of no use, so what? You felt the
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loss, did you not"? Then I understood that we did not go to him
for profit, but because, away from him there was no life for us.

Once I wrote two verses in Tamil, one in praise of the Lord
without attributes, the other of the Lord with numberless forms.
In the latter I wrote, "From whom grace is flowing over the
sentient and insentient". Bhagavan asked me to change one
letter and this altered the meaning to, "Who directs his grace to
the sentient and the insentient". The idea was that grace was
not a mere influence but could be directed with a purpose where
it was needed most.

Whenever I went up the hill to see Bhagavan, I used to buy
something to eat and take it with me as an offering. One day I
had no money. I stood before Bhagavan in a dejected mood
and said, "This poor man has brought nothing". Bhagavan
looked at me enquiringly and remarked, "Why, you brought
the main thing. All else is unimportant". I wondered, not
knowing what I had brought. "Don't you understand? You have
brought yourself", laughed Bhagavan.

Once I got an offer of a job at Sholapur to teach Jewish
refugees. It carried a good pay. I intimated my consent and
received an appointment order by wire. I showed the wire to
Bhagavan. "All right, go", he said. Even before I left the hall, I
felt gloom settling over me and I started shivering. My heart
wailed, "What are you doing? You are going away from the
presence of your Guru"! I went back, fell at Bhagavan's feet
and cried, "I cannot go, I cannot leave you". Bhagavan laughed,
"Look at the man! He has been here for twenty years and look
at the result. He thinks there are places where Bhagavan is not
and he refuses to go there"! He ridiculed me mercilessly and
told me to pack off to Sholapur. I was getting ready to start. A
very rich Seth came to the Ashram with a hundred questions,
all on paper. Bhagavan replied to them all, but in Tamil. The
Seth noted down the oral translation of the answers. The next
day a big car appeared before my school and I was told that I
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was wanted in the Ashram. Bhagavan told me to see the Seth
and see that there were no mistakes in his translation. This work
took me six hours. I was offered thirty rupees for my trouble. I
refused the money, saying that it was Bhagavan's work and no
money should be offered for it. He referred the matter to
Bhagavan. Bhagavan ordered me to accept and added, "Now
you have enough money to go to Sholapur". On my way I fell
ill at Bangalore with high fever. It was increasing from day to
day. I wired to Sholapur expressing my inability to start work
and the fever disappeared the next day! I was without a job and
without money when I returned, repentant, to Bhagavan's feet.
The bitter lesson was learned: I should not have been tempted
by the job in the first instance.

Years passed. I was married and led a well-ordered family
life as laid down in the scriptures, studying the Vedas,
worshipping ancestors and deities in the prescribed way, and
feeding the five kinds of living beings. I was associated with
political and religious activities and used to go from village to
village teaching the Periya Puranam; yet I would find time to
visit Bhagavan quite often.

Nayana

About 1920, Kavyakanta Ganapathi Shastri came to reside
at Tiruvannamalai. Everyone used to address him as `Nayana'
(father). He became the President of the Tiruvannamalai Town
Congress Committee. From my early days I was in Tilak's
movement and did not see much future in Mahatma Gandhi's
programme. One day I said to Nayana, "I do not expect much
from political activities; without God's grace no action will
prosper. To ask for grace is our main task. People like you, who
are blessed with grace in abundance, should use your spiritual
powers for the uplift of the world and liberation of the country
and not waste your time in speeches". He liked the idea and
asked me to stay with him and pray to God for grace. He made
me study the Vedas and taught me verses from the Rig Veda,
with their meaning. Mahendra societies were started all over
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India and I was made the General Secretary. Their object was
to win freedom for our country by purely devotional means,
like rituals, prayers, and personal and collective penance. We
managed to register about ten thousand members.

Nayana mainly stayed in the Mango Tree cave on Arunachala
and used to visit Bhagavan off and on. Nayana used to discuss
sastras ^[?] with him and get his doubts cleared. He was a mighty
scholar, while Bhagavan was just literate, yet Nayana would
say, "Without Bhagavan's grace, the intricacies of the scriptures
are beyond one's power of understanding. One word from him
makes everything clear". When Nayana would see someone
sitting in front of Bhagavan, meditating with his eyes closed,
he would scold the devotee saying, "When the sun is shining in
front of you, why do you need to close your eyes? Are you
serious or do you only want to show what a pious fellow you
are"? Those were happy days indeed, and I was blessed with
many visions of deities and divinities. It was all due to Nayana's
powers and Bhagavan's grace.

At Skandashram a peacock would follow Bhagavan
everywhere. One day a huge black cobra appeared in the
Ashram and the peacock attacked it fiercely. The cobra spread
its hood and the two natural enemies were poised for a fight
to the death, when Bhagavan came quite near the cobra and
said, "Why did you come here? That peacock will kill you.
Better go away at once". The cobra immediately lowered its
hood and slithered away.

There lived at that time a great Vaishnava guru,

Vilakshanananda Swami

Vilakshanananda Swami. He was well advanced in yoga and
had the power of attracting crowds. I went to see him one day
and he asked me to take him to Bhagavan. With thirty disciples,
he appeared before Bhagavan and just stood, neither bowing
nor joining his palms in greeting. For ten minutes he stood
motionless, and then fell flat at Bhagavan's feet. Tears were
flowing from his eyes and he said, "This head of mine has
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never bowed before a human being. This is the first time and
bless me that it may also be the last". Coming down the hill he
met Nayana. They started talking and during the discussion
Nayana told the swami that divine powers should not be used
for public shows and propaganda. This must have had its effect,
for Vilakshanananda Swami never left his residence again.

Uma Sahasram

Once Nayana was composing his magnum opus called Uma
Sahasram, a thousand verses in praise of Uma, the power aspect
of Shiva. He had written seven hundred, and three hundred
still remained. Nevertheless, he had already fixed the date for
the book to be offered to the Goddess and had sent out invitations
to friends and devotees all over India. Hundreds of people had
gathered, but on the eve of the day fixed, the three hundred
verses had yet to be written. In the evening Bhagavan asked
Nayana whether he would postpone the function. Nayana
replied in the negative and said that he would, by the grace of
God, have the verses written before the next morning. He had
four people sit before him with pen and paper and started
dictating a verse to each in turn. Bhagavan was present, sitting
with eyes closed, apparently quite oblivious to all that was going
on. Nayana appeared possessed with some tremendous fervour;
he was dictating without break and without hesitation; the verses
were flowing from his mouth in a torrent. By midnight the work
was completed. Bhagavan, who until then was sitting motionless
with his eyes closed, opened them and asked whether all had
been written down. Nayana, who seemed unconscious of his
surroundings when he was dictating, instantly replied that he
had dictated everything exactly as inspired by Bhagavan. When
he later read what was dictated by him, he was amazed and
exclaimed, "Oh, how wonderful! Only Bhagavan could produce
such beauty. I was only his mouthpiece". They were so perfect
that no improvement was possible.

In 1926 Nayana went to some place near Belgaum for a
course of austerities and, when leaving, he handed me over to
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Bhagavan's care. Later he wrote, "Sundaresa must be feeling
lonely and sad since I left him. May Bhagavan be especially
kind to him". Showing this letter to me, Bhagavan said, "Better
keep near me. You see, I must be able to produce you and hand
you over to Nayana when he comes back and claims you".
Since then I lived in the Ashram. I would teach at school
everyday, and at the end of the month, hand over my salary to
my wife. This was my only contact with my family.

In 1929 I got tired of the relative shaplessness of my inner life
and asked Bhagavan to give me some clear instructions as to
what direction I should proceed in my spiritual practice. He gave
me Kaivalyam to read and explained to me the inner meaning of
some sacred verses. From that time until 1938 I gave myself
completely to spiritual life. I did my duty at school and supported
my family, just as something that had to be done, but it was of no
importance to me. It was wonderful how I could keep so detached
for so many years; it was all Bhagavan's grace.

Vision of Ramachandra

On my thirtysixth birthday I wrote a poem in which I
complained that the vision of the glory of God had not yet been
given to me and gave the poem to Bhagavan. He read the whole
of it very slowly and carefully, as he usually did, and then asked
me to sit down and go within myself. I did so and soon the
physical world disappeared and in its place I saw an all-
pervading white light. An inner voice told me to ask what I
would like to see. I wanted to see the divine Ramachandra, and
suddenly I saw the coronation of Rama as king in the minutest
detail, with shapes and colours, clear and alive beyond
description. It lasted for about an hour and then again everything
was normal. Some time later, Bhagavan asked me whether I
had read Dakshinamurti Asthotharam. I said I had not, and
was told to read the last few verses in the book. Bhagavan added
that Rama and Dakshinamurti are the same Great Being.

One day Bhagavan was explaining to me the meaning of
some abtruse Vedantic verse. It was half past ten by the clock
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in the hall. But I was completely absorbed in the subject and
forgot all about my school. Suddenly Bhagavan reminded me
that it was getting late. "But no school today", I exclaimed,
"today is Sunday". Bhagavan laughed, "Is this the way you
work? Today is Monday. Hurry, your headmaster is waiting for
you at the gate". I ran to the school and, to my surprise, I found
the headmaster waiting for me at the school gate, looking
towards the temple. When I came near, he said, "Well, probably
you forgot that it is Monday and perhaps Maharshi had to remind
you about it". I admitted that that was exactly what had
happened and we both had a hearty laugh!

There was a proposal to print all that Bhagavan had written in
Tamil. A preface was needed but nobody came forward to write
it. Even learned pandits did not feel confident and backed out
under some excuse. The talk was going on in the hall all day
long and Bhagavan was watching. At about half past ten in the
night he called me and asked me why I should not take up the
preface. I said that with his blessings I would do it. "It will be all
right", said Bhagavan. Immediately I started writing and finished
the preface in an hour. While writing I felt a silent influence as if
someone was guiding my pen. At two in the morning Bhagavan
was up and I showed him the preface. He was quite pleased and
asked me to go to sleep. From the door he called back and asked
me to revise the last sentence which said, "It is hoped that those
who go through this book will attain divine salvation, which gives
peace and happiness". Bhagavan said, "There is no question of
hoping. The reader will definitely attain salvation", and told me
to correct the sentence accordingly.

Couple from Peru

A couple from Peru, husband and wife, came to the Ashram
once and were telling Bhagavan their story; how after reading
about him, they felt that he was Christ Himself reincarnated, and
wanted above everything else to meet him. They were not rich
and had to save from their wages, a little every week. After a few
years struggle they sailed to India in the cheapest possible way.

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The journey lasted some months and gave them a lot of trouble,
but at last they had arrived. Bhagavan listened carefully to the
very end, and then said, "You have travelled a long distance and
experienced so many hardships. You could have meditated on
me there with the same result, and the added satisfaction of seeing
me in Peru". Bhagavan's words sounded strange to them and
they could not get their meaning. In the evening Bhagavan was
inquiring about Peru and her people, how they looked, lived,
and worked. The Peruvian couple were telling him about the
capital, the seaports, the industries and commerce of their
countrymen. When they were describing a place on the seashore,
Bhagavan asked, "Is not the beach paved with marble slabs, with
coconuts planted between"? The two were astonished and asked
Bhagavan how he came to know such details. He replied, "Why
do you ask how I came to know? Understand once and for all
that time and space do not exist apart from the mind and that the
heart is not bound by them". Then they understood that, with
Bhagavan's grace they could have him at their own place.

Mahadeva Ayyar

A devotee of Bhagavan, one Mahadeva Ayyar, was suffering
from hiccups in Madras for over a month. His daughter wrote
to Bhagavan praying that he should help her father. Bhagavan
told us to write to Mahadeva that dry ginger, powdered, and
mixed with brown coloured sugar, would cure the disease. At
the same time he enquired of Madhavaswami, his attendant,
whether this mixture was available at the Ashram.
Madhavaswami brought the bottle with the ginger and sugar
mixture in it. Bhagavan took a pinch and gave a little to each of
the people present in the hall. I said, jokingly, "Well, there is no
need of writing to Mahadeva Ayyar. He must be free of hiccups
by this time". The letter with the prescription was sent the same
day. The next day, a letter came from Madras saying that
Mahadeva's hiccups had vanished at 1.00 p.m. the day before.
It was exactly the time when Bhagavan was taking his share of
ginger powder!

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On a Shivaratri day, after dinner, Bhagavan was reclining
on the sofa surrounded by many devotees. A sadhu ^[?] suggested
that since this was a most auspicious night, the meaning of the
verses in praise of Dakshinamurti could be expounded by
Bhagavan. Bhagavan gave his approval and all were eagerly
waiting for him to say something. He simply sat, gazing at us.
We were gradually absorbed in ever deepening silence, which
was not disturbed by the clock striking the hour, every hour,
until 4 a.m. None moved or talked. Time and space ceased to
exist. Bhagavan's grace kept us in peace and silence for seven
hours. In this silence Bhagavan taught us the Ultimate, like
Dakshinamurti. At the stroke of four Bhagavan asked us whether
we had understood the meaning of silent teaching. Like waves
on the infinite ocean of bliss, we fell at Bhagavan's feet.

One day when Bhagavan was staying at Pachiamman
Temple, Rangaswami Ayyangar, a devotee from Madras, arrived
on a hot noon and went to bathe in the pond in front of the
temple. It was at that time a forest area and rather lonely.
Bhagavan, who was talking with his devotees, suddenly got up
and went towards the pond. A cheetah was drinking water on
one side of it, unnoticed by Rangaswami. Bhagavan looked at
the cheetah for some time and said, "Now go away and come
later. The man may get frightened if he sees you". The cheetah
looked at Bhagavan, looked at the devotee, and went away.

One Mr Knowles came to pay his respects to Bhagavan.

Being well versed in Eastern and Western philosophy, he used
to have long discussions with Bhagavan. One day the
discussion was about the condition of a realised person. In
the heat of the discussion Mr Knowles asked whether the
Bhagavan who was talking to him was a reality or not.
Everybody was eagerly waiting for a reply. Clearly and loudly
Bhagavan said, "No, I am not talking". Mr. Knowles was quite
satisfied. He said, "Yes, Bhagavan is not talking to me. He
never talks. He only exists. That is all".

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Glasses for Bhagavan

An optician from Madras visited the Ashram. Chinnaswami
wanted him to examine Bhagavan's eyesight and prescribe
glasses. The optician found that his own glasses suited Bhagavan
well and offered them to him. They were bifocals for near and
distant vision, a beautiful and costly pair. Bhagavan said that he
only needed reading glasses and that a simple pair of spectacles
would do. Chinnaswami wanted the best for Bhagavan and
insisted that Bhagavan accept the bifocals. I took them again to
Bhagavan, but he refused to touch them. I was rather anxious to
please Chinnaswami and pleaded with Bhagavan to use the
bifocals. He looked at me intently and said, "When I do not want
them, why do you press it"? I went away disheartened. This
happened just before Bhagavan's birthday celebrations.

From the moment I left Bhagavan I felt a burning sensation
inside, and although I was busy with preparations, I was racked
with pain. On the third day it became so unbearable that I ran into
the hall, packed at that time with devotees, and fell flat on my face
before Bhagavan and cried, "Bhagavan, forgive me. I blundered
when I tried to force those glasses on you. You got angry with me
and it burns like fire. I can bear it no longer. I know it is my karma ^[?]
and not your will that punishes me, but have mercy and help me".
Bhagavan, who was gazing into space immersed in bliss, turned
his luminous eyes on me and said calmly, "What is all this? Who
is angry? Sit down quietly; everything will be right with you". I
wept like a child, and within a few minutes the pain disappeared.

One day I asked my wife to prepare some rice pancakes and
added in fun that all the broken ones should be offered to God. It
is not difficult to make rice pancakes and usually they come out
whole. My wife was a good cook, yet when I came home I found
all the cakes in pieces. To please my conscience I took them to
Bhagavan and told him the story of Lord Shiva who took the
shape of a coolie and undertook to work and be paid in crumbled
rice cakes. From that time there were no whole cakes to be had
until he had been worshipped. Bhagavan enjoyed the story, tasted
some of the cakes and had the remainder distributed to all.

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The Broken Egg

The attendant, Madhavaswami, used to dry Bhagavan's towel
on a bamboo tied between two trees. On one end of this bamboo
a bird had built a nest. One day, while removing the towel,
Bhagavan dislodged the nest, which fell down. One of the three
eggs rolled out and cracked but did not break. Bhagavan told
Madhavan that a grievous sin had been committed and examined
the egg with pity and repentance. "The poor mother will think
that the egg is broken and will weep bitterly. She will surely
curse me for having broken her egg. Can this egg be mended to
hatch a young one"? He wrapped the damaged egg in a piece of
cloth and put it back in the nest, and every few hours he would
take the egg in his hands, look at it for some time and then put it
back, wrapped in its piece of cloth. All the time he was murmuring
to himself, "Will the crack heal? Will the egg hatch"? With such
care and compassion Bhagavan nursed the egg for a week. On
the eighth day Bhagavan exclaimed like an excited child, "Look,
the cracks have gone. The mother will be glad. Let us watch and
see when the little one will come out". The egg was watched all
the time and the little thing finally appeared. Bhagavan took it in
his hand tenderly beaming with joy, showed it to everybody and
finally gave it back to its mother.

One Amavasya (new moon day) all the Ashram inmates were
sitting down for breakfast in the dining room. I was standing and
looking on. Bhagavan asked me to sit down for breakfast. I said
that I had to perform my late father's ceremony on that day and
would eat nothing (Usually the ceremonies are performed to
enable the ancestors to go to heaven). Bhagavan retorted that my
father was already in heaven and there was nothing more to be
done for him. My taking breakfast would not hurt him in any
way. I still hesitated, accustomed as I was to age-old tradition.
Bhagavan got up, made me sit down and eat some rice cakes.
From that day I gave up performing ceremonies for ancestors.

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Bhagavan makes Iddlies

Once Chinnaswami got very cross with me and I felt quite
nervous about it. I could not eat my dinner and the next morning,
feeling unreconciled and yet hungry, I told Bhagavan, who was
preparing rice cakes, that I was in a hurry to go to town as some
pupils were waiting for me. "The cat is out of the bag", said
Bhagavan. "Today is Sunday and there is no teaching work for
you. Come, I have prepared a special sambar for breakfast and
I shall make you taste it. Take your seat". So saying, he brought
a leaf, spread it before me, heaped it with iddlies and sambar
and, sitting by my side, joked and related funny stories to make
me forget my woes. How great was Bhagavan's compassion!

My wife used to prepare some food every afternoon and bring
it to the Ashram. Bhagavan often asked her to break this habit,
but she would not. One day he said, "This is the last time I am
eating your food. Next time I shall not". The same day Bhagavan
was telling us how a certain dish should be prepared. The next
day my wife brought it all ready. Bhagavan remembered what
he had told her, but what could he do against her imploring look?
He tasted her dish and said that it had been prepared very well.
Such was his graciousness towards his devotees.

My second son was lazy and not at all good at school. The
time for his final high school examinations was rapidly
approaching and the boy's sole preparation was the purchase
of a new fountain pen! He brought it to Bhagavan and asked
him to bless the pen with his touch so that it would write the
examination papers well. Bhagavan knew his lazy ways and
said that having hardly studied, he could not except to pass.
My son replied that Bhagavan's blessings were more effective
than studies. Bhagavan laughed, wrote a few words with the
new pen and gave it back to him. And the boy did pass, which
was a miracle indeed!

In those days I was attending to the foreign correspondence
of the Ashram. I used to show Bhagavan the draft of every
reply, get his approval, give it the final shape and despatch it.
We used to receive some very intelligent and intricate questions.
These questions and the answers would have formed a very
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enlightening volume. One day an office copy of such a reply
was used for wrapping some sweets and it fell into Bhagavan's
hands. He raised a storm, sent for me and told me plainly what
he thought about such misuse of spiritual records. I was very
frightened and at the same time sorry for the condition of the
foreign correspondence files. I tried to find out who took the
old files to the dining hall, but nobody would confess. All
blamed me, the last man in the chain!

Chinnaswami started building something and needed money
to complete the work. He made a plan that the Maharaja of
Mysore should be approached by some senior members of the
Ashram, introduced by Sri Sundaram Chettiar, the retired Judge.
I was asked to put the matter before Bhagavan and obtain his
blessings. Knowing Bhagavan's dislike of such things, I was
very much afraid of him, but still more of Chinnaswami. Finally
I did it indirectly, by drafting a letter to the Judge and explaining
the matter to him. This draft I took to Bhagavan for perusal.
Bhagavan read it and threw it away, saying with scorn, "Always
asking for money. We think of money every moment and waste
our lives for it. What have I to do with money"?

The town municipality was divided in its attitude towards
the Ashram. There was a group supporting the Ashram and
another group vilifying the Ashram and creating trouble. A tax
was imposed on the Ashram and we protested. At every meeting
of the municipality the matter was raised, hotly discussed and
left undecided. One day when the subject of the tax was to
come up again for discussion, I was asked to attend and defend
the Ashram's interests. I could only pray to Bhagavan, "You
are the ruler in the hearts of all including those who abuse the
Ashram". To my surprise not a single person opposed me at the
meeting and the tax was repealed.

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Individually these incidents may appear trivial and
insignificant, but collectively they are impressive. They created
the atmosphere in which he lived, in which every day would
bring new mircales of power, wisdom and love. Bhagavan gave
us a tangible demonstration of God's omnipotence, omniscience
and omnipresence. Our sense of `I' would burn up in wonder
and adoration on seeing his unconditional love for all beings.
Though outwardly we seemed to remain very much the same
persons, inwardly he was working on us and destroying the deep
roots of separateness and self-concern, the greatest obstacles on
our way to him. A day always comes when the tree of the `I',
severed from its roots, crashes suddenly and is no more.

Birth Place - By T.P.R.

It was the command of Sri Bhagavan that I should go to
Tiruchuzhi and see the house where Bhagavan was born. It was
then in someone else's possession. Sri Bhagavan gave me all
minute details about Tiruchuzhi and what places I should see:
the temple, the tower on which he played, the mantapam, the
school, the tank. He particularly instructed me to meet some very
old people there who would still remember him. Bhagavan also
wanted to know whether pujas in the temple there continued to
be performed with prasadams and other offerings on the
customary scale. I had the unique experience of visiting these
places and noting down all details required by Sri Bhagavan. On
my return, when I gave my report in writing, Bhagavan took
enormous interest in reading it aloud to devotees in the hall. In
the last paragraph of that report I had made an appeal to Sri
Chinnaswami, Bhagavan's brother and Sarvadhikari, that his duty
would not be complete if that house did not come into the
possession of the Ashram and that it should be renovated and
kept as a pilgrim centre for all Ramana devotees. Sri N.R.
Krishnamurthi Iyer was of great help to me in all these
undertakings. Thereafter Sri Chinnaswami took a lot of interest
and the house was eventually bought and now it is in the
possession of Sri Ramanasramam. The house was named by Sri
Bhagavan as Sundara Mandiram.

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