ETERNAL BHAGAVAN

By Shantamma

MY search for a Master who would lead me to salvation began
when I was 40 years old. It was ten years later, in 1927, that I
went to Tiruvannamalai in the company of three ladies. When
I went to Ramanasramam, Bhagavan was seated on a cot in a
grass-thatched shed. As soon as I saw him I knew that he was
God in human form. Muruganar, who was a native of Ramnad
like me, was by his side. I bowed to Bhagavan and said, "Today
I am blessed. Please grant that my mind does not trouble me
any more". Bhagavan turned to Muruganar and said, "Ask
her to find out whether there is such a thing as mind. If there
is, ask her to describe it". I stood still, not knowing what to
say. Muruganar explained to me, "Don't you see? You have
been initiated in the search for the Self.

We stayed for forty days. We would cook some food, and
take it to the Ashram. Bhagavan would taste it and the rest
was given to the devotees. In those days, Bhagavan's brother
Chinnaswami was cooking in the Ashram. Often there were
no curries or sambar, only plain rice and pickles. Though I
wanted to stay on until Bhagavan's birthday, my companions
had to leave. When I went to Bhagavan to take his leave, He
asked me to wait a day longer for the newly printed Upadesa Saram
. The next day he gave me a copy with his own hands.
The thought of leaving him broke my heart and I wept bitterly.
Bhagavan graciously said, "You are going to Ramnad, but
you are not leaving Arunachala. Go and come soon".

Fortunately by his grace I was able to attend the next
jayanti. It was the experience of every devotee that he who is
determined to visit him, finds that all obstacles somehow
vanish. This time Bhagavan was seated on a sofa in a newly
built hall. He was explaining something from Ulladu Narpadu
to Dandapani Swami. When he saw me his first question was,
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"Have you a copy of this book? I asked them to post one to
you." How my Lord remembers us by name and how loving
is his personal attention to our needs. From dawn to dusk I
stayed at the Ashram and engaged myself in its chores.

After the celebration, the guests were leaving and I felt
that I too would have to go. I gathered sufficient courage and
told Bhagavan about my deep desire to stay on. "As long as I
am with you Bhagavan, my mind is at peace. Away from you,
I am restless. What am I to do"? He said, "Stay here until
your mind gets settled. After that you can go anywhere and
nothing will disturb you". It seemed miraculous when minutes
later I was asked to stay and cook for two months, as
Chinnaswami who was cooking for the Ashram was sick and
had to leave for Madras for treatment. Thus I came to stay --
not for two months, but forever.

During that period in the history of the Ashram, Bhagavan
used to be active working both in the kitchen and outside. He
would clean grain, shell nuts, grind seeds, stick together the
leaf plates we ate from and so on. We would join him in every
task and listen to his stories, jokes, reminiscences and spiritual
teachings. Occasionally he would scold us lovingly like a
mother. Everything we did, every problem we faced, was made
use of in teaching the art of total reliance on him.

One morning a European came in a horse carriage to the
Ashram and went straight to Bhagavan. He wrote something
on a piece of paper and showed it to Bhagavan. Bhagavan did
not answer, instead he gazed at the stranger steadily. The stranger
stared back at him. Then Bhagavan closed his eyes and the
stranger also closed his. Time passed and the whole atmosphere
was silent and still. Lunch hour struck but Bhagavan would
not open his eyes. Madhavaswami, the attendant, got
Bhagavan's water pot and stood ready to lead him out of the
hall. Bhagavan would not stir. We felt afraid to go near, such
was the intensity around him. His face was glowing with a
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strange light. Chinnaswami was talking loudly to attract
Bhagavan's attention. Even vessels were banged about, but all
in vain. When the clock was striking twelve Bhagavan opened
his eyes. They were glowing very brightly. Madhavaswami took
up the water jug; the European got into the carriage and went
away. It was the last we saw of him. Everybody was
wonderstruck at the great good fortune of the man, to have
received such immediate initiation from Bhagavan.

Once the Maharaja of Mysore visited the Ashram. He asked
for a private interview. Of course, Bhagavan never allowed
such a thing. Finally it was decided that Maharaja be brought
in when Bhagavan was having his bath. Trays and trays of
sweets and other costly presents were laid at Bhagavan's feet.
For ten minutes the Maharaja just stood looking and then
prostrated before Bhagavan. Tears flowing from his eyes made
Bhagavan's feet wet. He told Bhagavan, "They made me a
Maharaja and bound me to a throne. For the sin of being born
a king, I lost the chance of sitting at your feet and serving in
your glorious presence. I do not hope to come again. Only
these few minutes are mine. I pray for your grace".

Once the cow Lakshmi came into the hall. She was pregnant
at that time. It was after lunch time and Bhagavan was reading
the newspapers. Lakshmi came near and started licking the
papers. Bhagavan looked up and said, "Wait a little Lakshmi",
but Lakshmi went on licking. Bhagavan laid his paper aside,
put his hands behind Lakshmi's horns and put his head against
hers. They stayed thus for quite a long time. All of us watched
the wonderful scene. After sometime Bhagavan turned to me
and said, "Do you know what Lakshmi is doing? She is in
samadhi". Tears were flowing from Lakshmi's eyes. Her eyes
were fixed on Bhagavan. After sometime Bhagavan asked her,
"Lakshmi, how do you feel now"? Lakshmi moved backward,
reluctant to turn her tail towards Bhagavan, and went out of
the hall. On the fourth day she gave birth to a calf. The man
with whom she was staying in town brought her with her three
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calves and left them in the Ashram for good. Lakshmi and her
three calves came into the hall and lay down beside Bhagavan's
sofa. He said, "All these days Lakshmi had to go back in the
evening and she used to be in tears. Today she is delighted for
she need not go away anymore. She knows that her home is
here now. We have to look after her. Look at her with what self-
assurance she has stretched herself out"!

In the early days of the Ashram, a harijan used to stand
near the well and accompany Bhagavan whenever he went
up the hill. One day Bhagavan called him near and said, "Go
on repeating `Shiva, Shiva'". It was very unusual for an
untouchable to receive this kind of initiation. He could never
have secured it without Bhagavan's infinite grace. After that
the man disappeared.

Once I related to Bhagavan some vision I had and he said:

Yes, such visions do occur. To know how you look you
must look into a mirror, but don't take that reflection to be
yourself. What is perceived by our senses and mind is never
the truth. All visions are mere mental creations, and if you
believe in them, your progress ceases. Enquire to whom
the visions occur, who is their witness. Free from all
thought, stay in pure awareness. Out of that don't move.

A visitor while taking leave of Bhagavan expressed a wish
that Bhagavan should keep him in mind as he was going very
far away and would probably not come back to the Ashram.
Bhagavan replied:

A jnani ^[?] has no mind. How can one without a mind remember
or even think? This man goes somewhere and I have to go
there and look after him? Can I keep on remembering all
these prayers? Well, I shall transmit your prayer to the Lord
of the Universe. He will look after you. It is his business.

After the devotee departed, Bhagavan turned towards us
and said:

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People imagine that the devotees crowding around a jnani ^[?]
get special favours from him. If a Guru shows partiality,
how can he be a jnani? Is he so foolish as to be flattered by
people's attendance on him and the service they do? Does
distance matter? The Guru is pleased with him only who
gives himself up entirely, who abandons his ego forever.
Such a man is taken care of wherever he may be. He need
not pray. God looks after him unasked. The frog lives by the
side of the fragrant lotus, but it is the bee that gets the honey.

When I cooked, Bhagavan would come to the kitchen to
taste the food and see whether the seasoning was just right.
Once he said, "The Maharajas employ special taste experts
and pay them huge salaries. I wonder what will be my pay".
"I am a beggar Bhagavan, and all I can offer is my life", I
said, to which Bhagavan nodded his head lovingly.

In the kitchen there were no proper jars for storing foodstuffs
and everything was kept in tins and pots which would leak and
spill and render the floor slippery. Once I scrubbed the kitchen
floor carefully. Bhagavan on seeing it congratulated me on the
neatness in the kitchen. I sighed, "What is the use Bhagavan?
People will come, spill oil, scatter flour and the kitchen will be
the same again. We must have proper jars and containers". Ten
days later they called me to the hall. Attendants were opening
wooden boxes and there were six beautiful jars. "You wanted
jars, now you have them", said Bhagavan. On enquiry it was
found that some railway station master had booked them in the
name of our Ashram for no ostensible reason. Such mysterious
coincidences occurred almost daily, both at the Ashram and in
the homes of devotees.

One day, when I was still new in the kitchen, I served
Bhagavan with a few more pieces of potato than the rest.
Bhagavan noticed it and got very angry with me. He turned
his face away and did not look at those who were serving
food. In the evening the women working in the kitchen would
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take leave of him. Usually he would exchange a few words
with us. That evening he called me near and asked:

"What did you do today"?

"I don't know Bhagavan. Have I done something wrong"?

"You served me more curry than you served others".

"What does it matter. I did it with love and devotion".

"I felt ashamed to eat more than others. Have you come all
this way to stuff me with food? You should always serve
me less than the others. Do you hope to earn grace through
a potato curry"?

"Out of my love for you I committed a blunder. Forgive
me Bhagavan".

"The more you love my people, the more you love me",
said Bhagavan.

A good lesson was learned and never forgotten. Many
mundane occurrences in the kitchen and in the dining hall during
meal times showed us the silent ways in which Bhagavan
pointed out to us the path of realization. Bhagavan was a stern
task master and one had to implicitly obey him. Each day was
a day of trial and lesson in spirituality. Those who have not
lived through it cannot appreciate the deep spiritual effect of
these anxieties and conflicts. Our `I' would hurl itself against
the rock of truth and the rock would not yield. The `I' had to
yield and in that yielding was the highest blessing. His anger
would sometimes seem to shatter us to pieces, and blessed are
they indeed who have seen in His wrath His utmost grace.

One day there was talk about a devotee having come under
the influence of another Swami. Bhagavan said:

Once a man has surrendered his life here, he belongs here.
Wherever he may go, he shall return. For him this is the
door to liberation.

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